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This just in, “The Japanese may have the answer to the Solar System’s origin.” Then again, they may have blown $200 million. But before I get into the core of this timely issue, let’s check your understanding of astronomy:

T F 1. The Feds current tax dollar squandering is an example of a ‘black hole’.

T F 2. The Milky Way is owned by Iowan dairy farmers.

T F 3. Libras will discover a ‘special’ someone today by facing the North Star and kissing a red-haired troll.

There, that wasn’t so bad. You have a good mind, just quit watching the dang TV.

It’s too early to tell if the Hayabusa spacecraft container recently retrieved in the Australian Outback was able to capture a sample from the Itokawa (pronounced: ?–took–?–w?) asteroid. But the prospects have scientists practically leaking through their Depends. Read the rest of this entry »

I, for one, believe Major League Baseball (MLB) umpire Jim Joyce was right in making a boneheaded 9^th inning call in the Detroit Tigers and Cleveland Indians game the other day. Sure, it cost Detroit pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game. Who cares?! At least it breathed life into the game. What could be more torturous than watching 26 Indians batters retired in succession? Okay … I guess listening to former president George W. rationalize waterboarding, something he confuses with a boat-oriented aquatic sport, would be worse.

There have always been terrible calls in baseball. I’m sure you can think of a few. I know I can’t. Some say the call was the sorriest in baseball history, others a “teachable moment,” while Al Gore claims it, “was caused by global warming.” But really, let’s stop this sensationalistic finger pointing and get on with life. I’m sure Galarraga has pulled out a clean pair of socks and moved on. So what if, since 1880, there have only been 20 perfect major league games? Injustices happen daily — as clearly evident by Sarah Palin freely roaming the streets. Read the rest of this entry »

Startling news! A study by the Pew Research Center (who coined the phrase, “Put your shoes back on!”), finds nearly 49 million adult children in their 20’s and 30’s flocking back home. This large population afflicted with job losses, lack of employment, or nostalgic feelings to be nagged to “clean up your room” is now being called the ‘Boomerang Generation.’

By definition, a boomerang is a bent wooden projectile that, when thrown properly, returns. Concerned parents are now asking the question, “If a boomerang kid returns, what the heck did I do wrong? Do I need to flick my wrist more?” Noted sociologists, eking out drab lives studying pie charts, look at this question and surmise, “Hey, my desk is on fire!” They’re experts on social behavior so very little surprises them. Read the rest of this entry »

These days, you can hardly order medical marijuana without someone asking, “Can Arizona get away with making illegal immigrants — illegal?” Weird, yet isn’t the new Arizona law just trying to enforce federal laws already in place? But life’s very complex — clearly demonstrated when William Shakespeare said, “And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything.” He hit the sauce pretty hard. I think he owed back taxes.

If the law holds, by midsummer Arizona will be deporting illegal immigrants like cockroaches off of a July 4th warm tuna salad sandwich. State officials can then check the immigration status of any person they damn well please (based upon “gut hunches”). This will create congestion but it can’t be helped:

Official: You! Let’s see some identification.

Diamondbacks fan: Charlie, it’s me, Norm. Our daughters play together.

Official: Don’t pull that Norm trick on me. Where’s your birth certificate?

Diamondbacks fan: I don’t carry a birth certificate to a baseball game. Look, you’re really causing the line to backup.

Official: No ID huh? Step out of the line. Hey Sid, we have a live one here. Read the rest of this entry »

A Muslim Frenchman butcher might be doing it. South African President Zuma is doing it and showering regularly. And a few folks in Rocky Ridge Utah say, “Just do it.” Quite honestly, how can a lifestyle that’s a veritable treasure-trove of headaches, run rampant?

Guys like lots of women around. It’s in their owner’s manual right after “Do not leave unit unattended near open beer container.” Plus, the average human male is recklessly proficient at siring offspring. Take one guy and, say, seven or eight wives — in no time you could form a Pee Wee bowling league.

Women, on the other hand, have more common sense. They know one man is typically more trouble than he’s worth.

Yet, people keep doing it. Here a just a few of the problems polygamy is riddled with: Read the rest of this entry »

Come on, Sandra! Don’t even think about forgiving that two-timing Jesse James creep. And REALLY! What a pathetic apology. Times like these, it’s better to stay mad – trust me.

We’re turning into jellyfish do-gooders — obsessed with forgiveness. It’s undermining the very reason to watch a Western movie — turning us into pardoning wimps. Come on! Remember the self-gratifying feeling of seeking revenge, wanting to see the looser who violated us squirm, crossing the street to avoid someone, or playing a prank involving plastic wrap and a toilet? A festering grudge can give meaning to an otherwise worthless day.

Our legal system will become a crybaby session if we don’t get a handle on this ‘forgiving everyone’ epidemic. You’d get courtroom dramas like:

Prosecutor: Mrs. Feeble, please point to the man who plowed into your SUV because he claims it looked like an alien spacecraft.

Mrs. Feeble (in tears): I can’t. I’ve forgiven him. He’s such a lonely man and, after they used the ‘jaws of life’ to free Harold, you can hardly tell the transmission is now in the passenger’s seat.

Read the rest of this entry »

In the second year of the reign of Obama, scratcher of Bo, there went out a decree from the United States Department of Commerce, U.S. Census Bureau, that a tally should be taken of the American empire (excluding parts of New Jersey) for it was written, “Bring forth demographic data to formulate government representation and funding, and update road atlases.” Verily, squandering untold millions, the Bureau beseeched the commoners of the land using snappy fliers and Super Bowl TV commercials saying, “Fear not the moribund economy! For great joy shall come from mailing in your census forms.”

And it came to pass, a multitude of hearty local citizens were blessed with temporary Bureau work. Alas, though many sought the steady income, the Bureau only shined favorably upon those with truly desirable traits including:

- Practicing the “safe sex”

- Buying joyously the durable consumer goods

- Coveting not thy neighbor’s ox or ass

- Honoring thy major steroid-free sports figures, and

- Passing the consecrated FBI security background check. Read the rest of this entry »

First off, the Havre Daily News is a fine newspaper with a lively staff of dedicated folks who put your news needs first. I mean it! Take Tim Leeds – please! Ha Ha. Only kidding. Tim’s a deodorized, underwear-sporting reporter who’s not afraid to look Death in the face and say, “No, you’re looking for Jim Leeds. He was last seen in a yellow Vega, driving like a bat-out-of-hell on the outskirts of Malta.” Or, there’s Alice Campbell, who willingly risks life and limb relentlessly digging up the “dirt” about compelling topics like out-of-control Bear Paw Mountain snowboarders. And, of course, there’s editor John Kelleher who, supposedly without the aid of illegal narcotics, dances to work every morning just to get the paper out to you.

Come on! Hit the streets in support of the Daily News because and, I hope I’m not speaking out of turn, the staff would be really “I stepped in what?!” peeved if they had to finagle another job. But, while kudos to the Daily New folks are in order, my purpose is to warn you about an ominous demon at work in the world of classified advertising.

Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome back! It’s the highly acclaimed Department of the Treasury – Internal Revenue Service 2009 tax season. A time of joy, lawn fertilizing, and mini pigs-in-a-blanket made with those cute “smokies” wieners wrapped with biscuit dough. My youngest son took a basketful to a potluck once except he inserted baby carrots in some to appease the vegetarians. Silly kid.

This tax season is no different from years gone by, primarily because of rampant mathphobia. Have you every wondered why people are scared of math? Neither have I. All I know is the part of my brain that does math is broken – possibly from a head trauma when I was four caused by my sister pelting me with a bald doll (I’d yanked out all the hair – a condition eventually tied to my lower intestine).

Read the rest of this entry »

In the words of the immortal Paris Hilton, “I’m available and I’m cheap.” If all it takes to reach instant fame (as in one of those cardboard cutouts where the star strikes a pose resembling someone who’s had a frontal lobotomy) is for me to eat items from a fast food menu, sign me up. I’ll eat almost anything.

Now, the company that brought us the taco-craving Chihuahua and double-decker tacos claims it can help drop those extra pounds. They’re employing an ad campaign paralleling Subway’s Jared Fogle who lost tons of weight eating rabbit food laced sandwiches.

Enter Christine Dougherty, a 27-year old Home Economics dropout, who ate items from Taco Bell’s lower-calorie “Fresco menu” five to eight times a week, dropping 54 pounds. Dougherty (Who, by the way, is a lot hotter than Subway Jared) has been showing off her new body in TV commercials aimed primarily, from a marketing standpoint, for people with the IQ of a cooked radish. Read the rest of this entry »