lifestooserious.com

First off, the Havre Daily News is a fine newspaper with a lively staff of dedicated folks who put your news needs first. I mean it! Take Tim Leeds – please! Ha Ha. Only kidding. Tim’s a deodorized, underwear-sporting reporter who’s not afraid to look Death in the face and say, “No, you’re looking for Jim Leeds. He was last seen in a yellow Vega, driving like a bat-out-of-hell on the outskirts of Malta.” Or, there’s Alice Campbell, who willingly risks life and limb relentlessly digging up the “dirt” about compelling topics like out-of-control Bear Paw Mountain snowboarders. And, of course, there’s editor John Kelleher who, supposedly without the aid of illegal narcotics, dances to work every morning just to get the paper out to you.

Come on! Hit the streets in support of the Daily News because and, I hope I’m not speaking out of turn, the staff would be really “I stepped in what?!” peeved if they had to finagle another job. But, while kudos to the Daily New folks are in order, my purpose is to warn you about an ominous demon at work in the world of classified advertising.

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Okay, first answer this question:

Speed limits ___.

1. are the law
2. signify what is good and wholesome in our society
3. are merely a recommendation
4. What? First make these crazy voices in my head stop!

Raise your hand if you answered “c.” Exactly as I suspected!

The Havre 500 on 17^th street by Havre High School only lacks pit crews, irate spectators, and the squandering of thousands of gallons of fuel trying not to cream a competitor’s car going 180 mph. Fortunately, the speeds on 17^th are substantially slower. Let me stress substantially as who can actually drive 15 miles an hour? Face it; ridiculous 15 mph speed limit signs give true meaning to the word, “Don’t hold your breath.”

Maybe an engineering traffic study would yield revealing findings, carefully derived from empirical data collected by two guys sequestered in a van, eating stale bologna sandwiches. Results easily corroborating the axiom, “When forced to drive slow, people drive fast.”

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Throttle the accelerometer, batten the elevator, shovel the drift, cast the leading edge, and boil the pitch – Havre will once again be able to book airplane flights directly to Billings – and there’ll even be a plane waiting this time. Who cares if Great Lakes Airlines (formerly Great Lakes Aviation) doesn’t have in-flight movies or complementary margaritas? As long as the plane goes up and comes down on its landing gear you have to feel pretty special.

Ever since the Wright brothers flew the historic Kitty Hawk flight, people have been willing to get stranded in airports where sleeping on concourse seats resembles placing one’s body in a microwave’s cardboard box. My wife once phoned me because she was stranded overnight in the Las Vegas airport. I swear, Wayne Newton was singing in the background.

To commemorate air service returning to Havre, I thought a chronological trip through the annals of commercial airline development would be appropriate. My grasp of history, while memorable, is often as accurate as a politician’s campaign pledges but I’ll give it my best shot.

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There comes a time in a person’s life where bluntness is important. When the right thing to do is walk right up to the five-year old who just rammed a shopping cart into your car and threaten to ship him to Guyana. Even when sleeping, I’ll wake up sweating with similar, sometimes reprehensible urges.

I’m what you might call an active sleeper. I’ll wake up choking, believing I’ve swallowed a paperclip, steel wool, or functioning dental drill. Other times I twist and turn trying to find a comfortable position while my muscles impersonate a roasted turkey. Such anomalies jolt my wife awake right after she hits slumber land. Before going to bed I scan her side of the headboard for loaded small-caliber firearms.

I’ve strayed way off the topic. Bluntly speaking, I’m very worried about stupid people raising offspring. Oh, don’t give me that kind of look. You know perfectly well what I’m talking about.

It’s tragic there’re no credentials required for parenthood. Not that having a diploma automatically qualifies you as having a brain. I’ve known quite a few Ph.D. folks without the common sense God gave an earthworm. (more…)

The Hill County 2008 Great Northern Fair quickly approaches and Krista Corner’s July 1^st Havre Daily News front-page article identifies some great ways to get involved. So, if you have a hobby, are a culinary wizard, or want your child to chase after boots possessed by aliens during the Carter administration, there’re plenty of options for ditching that “couch-potato” attitude.

As I dutifully helped my wife make the bed this morning, it dawned on me what an incredible Great Northern Fair event this would make. Set up the bed right next to the Home Arts quilts. Gal and guy teams could compete in a timed bedding frenzy, promoting tranquility and that essential element to any male/female relationship — groveling.

I know quite a bit about groveling and the fact that world peace only slightly overshadows a properly made bed. Tight sheets rank right up there with the direction the toilet paper rolls off the roll. My wife assures me these things are important; a fact that’s taken me 30 years to even partially grasp. (more…)

Ultimately, Fate will have its revenge. Sitting there with a spot light glaring at me, a napkin draped across my plaid shirt, and the ugly arm of mechanized drilling hanging nearby, I knew the sands of time had run out. I was gripping the chair’s arms so tightly tinny droplets of perspiration were forming on my knuckles. Fate had caught up with my frail ten-year old body and the gruesome events to follow were inevitable.

Mom had threatened a billion times, “If you don’t stop eating so much candy, your teeth are going to rot out!” Caustic diatribes, blending into the background noise of my youth — easily entering one ear and out the other. Now, as I sat there being comforted by the water swirling around a miniature toilet, her foreshadowing had struck the cord of truth.

So, there I was with a cavity-infested mouth in Dr. Kurtz’s house of horrors, trapped in a flesh-tone naugahyde chair. He was a real cool cucumber, patiently plying his torturous trade. Time crept at the speed of a nurtured sloth – especially for “the shot.” (more…)

Sometimes a term rises to fame and we’re helpless to stop it. Thanks to the Yearning for Zion sect having its compound raided outside of Eldorado Texas, polygamy is all the rage. It’s a topic that’s charged with emotion, DNA testing, lawyers, and lots of kids resembling the milkman. But polygamy isn’t the fun-packed lifestyle some believe.

The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints apparently figures the more wives the merrier. Guys like lots of women around. They can’t help it. Women, on the other hand, have more common sense, knowing how much trouble just one man can be.

Texas officials are trying to determine those sect kids’ papas. For all we know, it could be a couple of guys, as we’ve not seen many running around. I guess they could be at a “Diapers and You” conference. Guys can’t help it if they’re real good at siring offspring. (more…)

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are all about change – and why not?! Change is cool; it’s in vogue, radical, high profile, and the piece de resistance when getting voters really excited. We live in a world of change; change your car’s oil, change your hairstyle, change your shoes, change your job, and change your spouse. So what’s the big deal about changing silly little zoning code 11-1-6? Wake up and smell the roses — change is for the better!

Great Falls businessman, Paul Dockter, is only looking out for the community’s best interest and possibly, just possibly, some real estate dealings. Who can fault him? His keen sense of change was evident when he said, “Times have changed and I believe the current zoning is too restrictive.” Plus, there’s the possible flagrant zoning violations of a carwash and bra distributing center – and we know what scandals transpire when you start handing out brassieres.

Bring on the casinos! If one shows up down the street from mom, then so be it. The clientele are mostly harmless middle age to elderly people anyway – just looking for a little action. Pumping money into a machine with little probability of getting any back is the kind of entertainment this community needs. (more…)

I’m not going to lie to you; I’d like to be healthy. There’s nothing more appealing to me than energetically popping up in the morning, looking across the bed, and saying, “Jennifer Aniston, what are you doing here?” Of course, fate is funny because I actually slither over the edge of the bed and try to straighten a spasmodic back while the wife points out my major bed making skill deficiencies.

Having surpassed the half-century mark, staying healthy is now a gruesome battle of epic proportion being fought in the muddy trenches of life. It’s a classic case of good versus evil, hero fighting villain, Luke against the Emperor, or me battling my wife as she tells me the Mountain Dew I’ve just pulled from the refrigerator is a bad choice. My wife is my health conscience as she issues “good choice” mandates for diet, rest, and exercise with the zest of a Marine drill sergeant.

I make bad dietary choices all the time. Walking through the supermarket I’ll put toaster pastries, cases of pop, bags of candy hidden under the broccoli, and Cosmopolitan magazines into the cart only to have them rejected by the lady with all the money. It’s a pathetic sight — a grown man in the checkout line begging for a Snickers. (more…)