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President Obama recently introduced his new space policy in what is being heralded as “one small step for a man but one … what the heck is that? A giant skin tag?”  Actually, it’s a 14 page document, written in pig latin, starting with, “Allway ationsnay avehay ethay ightray otay useway andway exploreway acespay.” If you like dysentery, you’ll enjoy reading this picture-free document, and, as any toddler can tell you, a federal policy without pictures is a policy without hope.

The olicypay renounces the Bush administration’s unilateral stance of “It’s our thermosphere and we’ll spy if we want to.” Instead, it emphasizes international cooperation, including sharing toothbrushes and laced undergarments. The President is optimistic this will limit the development of space weapons, stimulate bra and panty sales, and create a plethora of really cool video games.

Mentally irritating games like NASA’s recently released “Moonbase Alpha.”  Plot: “Virtual explorers tackle restoring critical systems after British Petroleum cripples a life support system with runny scrambled eggs. Cooperate with fellow astronauts or your meaningless, virtual existence will get sucked into the black hole of deficit spending.” (more…)

Unless you live in your neighbor’s dirty clothes hamper, you get email. So, what if your friend sent you the email below?

Note: Under the advice of the Longhorn Bar’s waitress (Yes, I know she’s actually a guy), I’ve added comments so you, the layperson, might fully understand the writer’s hidden meaning.

“Subject: My Dilemma/Help Me Out!!!

I’m sorry (No, make that, “pathetic.”) for this odd request (Odd like a beagle mating a canary.) because it might get to you too urgent and this might sounds weird (As in, my bladder speaks French.) and you wouldn’t believe me (I’m basically a habitual liar.)…..but it’s because of the mess i got myself in right now.I came down to England, United Kingdom (As a giant cockroach.) for a short vacation, but unfortunately (My IQ equals cooked cabbage.) for me,i was robbed at the park near the Hotel i stayed (Grammar was never my strong suit.), worse of it is that bags, cash ,cell phones and other valuable stuffs were stolen off me (My brain’s still missing.) at GUN POINT.It’s such a crazy experience for me (My underwear needed hand scrubbing) and i need your help as my return flight leaves few hours from now, I’ve been to the police (Actually, I just came back from taking a wee-wee.) but the good thing (Beside nobody’s killed me yet.) is that i still have my passport but don’t have enough money to sort out the hotel bills. Please, i need you to loan me some few bucks……. (I hope this sounds like I’m a regular guy instead of the inbred, mold licking, booger picking, sewer dwelling, fowl smelling, brainless, hopeless, toothless, piece of super-moist dung heap I really am.) i will refund it as soon as we get back home tomorrow, i promise (Look for it via the tooth fairy).

Thanks.”

(more…)

While you’ve been whining about the mess in your garage, patriot Gary Faulkner, who is endowed with the cojones of a Brahma bull, has engineered six single-handed attempts of capturing the notorious fungus and al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden. Now, don’t you feel a little foolish?

I saw a picture of Gary on the Internet. His clever disguise made him look like a masculine Sarah Palin or, without the glasses, maybe a hockey puck – but no matter. Not since the days of Rambo, does it get much better than this. Unfortunately, during Gary’s most recent covert operation, he was detained after trying to cross into Afghanistan carrying a pistol, sword, night-vision gear, and hashish (His medical marijuana ran out.).

Gary raises the standards for all Americans. Oh, weak-kneed liberals will scoff at his heroism but not Gary’s brother Scott, who claims Gary isn’t crazy, he’s just determined to find the man America’s military has failed to capture. “Is it out the norm? Yes it is. But, is it crazy? No,” claimed Scott, chugging a warm beer, wearing a bathrobe and untied, muddy camouflage boots. (more…)

This just in, “The Japanese may have the answer to the Solar System’s origin.” Then again, they may have blown $200 million. But before I get into the core of this timely issue, let’s check your understanding of astronomy:

T F 1. The Feds current tax dollar squandering is an example of a ‘black hole’.

T F 2. The Milky Way is owned by Iowan dairy farmers.

T F 3. Libras will discover a ‘special’ someone today by facing the North Star and kissing a red-haired troll.

There, that wasn’t so bad. You have a good mind, just quit watching the dang TV.

It’s too early to tell if the Hayabusa spacecraft container recently retrieved in the Australian Outback was able to capture a sample from the Itokawa (pronounced: ?–took–?–w?) asteroid. But the prospects have scientists practically leaking through their Depends. (more…)

I, for one, believe Major League Baseball (MLB) umpire Jim Joyce was right in making a boneheaded 9^th inning call in the Detroit Tigers and Cleveland Indians game the other day. Sure, it cost Detroit pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game. Who cares?! At least it breathed life into the game. What could be more torturous than watching 26 Indians batters retired in succession? Okay … I guess listening to former president George W. rationalize waterboarding, something he confuses with a boat-oriented aquatic sport, would be worse.

There have always been terrible calls in baseball. I’m sure you can think of a few. I know I can’t. Some say the call was the sorriest in baseball history, others a “teachable moment,” while Al Gore claims it, “was caused by global warming.” But really, let’s stop this sensationalistic finger pointing and get on with life. I’m sure Galarraga has pulled out a clean pair of socks and moved on. So what if, since 1880, there have only been 20 perfect major league games? Injustices happen daily — as clearly evident by Sarah Palin freely roaming the streets. (more…)

Startling news! A study by the Pew Research Center (who coined the phrase, “Put your shoes back on!”), finds nearly 49 million adult children in their 20’s and 30’s flocking back home. This large population afflicted with job losses, lack of employment, or nostalgic feelings to be nagged to “clean up your room” is now being called the ‘Boomerang Generation.’

By definition, a boomerang is a bent wooden projectile that, when thrown properly, returns. Concerned parents are now asking the question, “If a boomerang kid returns, what the heck did I do wrong? Do I need to flick my wrist more?” Noted sociologists, eking out drab lives studying pie charts, look at this question and surmise, “Hey, my desk is on fire!” They’re experts on social behavior so very little surprises them. (more…)

These days, you can hardly order medical marijuana without someone asking, “Can Arizona get away with making illegal immigrants — illegal?” Weird, yet isn’t the new Arizona law just trying to enforce federal laws already in place? But life’s very complex — clearly demonstrated when William Shakespeare said, “And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything.” He hit the sauce pretty hard. I think he owed back taxes.

If the law holds, by midsummer Arizona will be deporting illegal immigrants like cockroaches off of a July 4th warm tuna salad sandwich. State officials can then check the immigration status of any person they damn well please (based upon “gut hunches”). This will create congestion but it can’t be helped:

Official: You! Let’s see some identification.

Diamondbacks fan: Charlie, it’s me, Norm. Our daughters play together.

Official: Don’t pull that Norm trick on me. Where’s your birth certificate?

Diamondbacks fan: I don’t carry a birth certificate to a baseball game. Look, you’re really causing the line to backup.

Official: No ID huh? Step out of the line. Hey Sid, we have a live one here. (more…)

A Muslim Frenchman butcher might be doing it. South African President Zuma is doing it and showering regularly. And a few folks in Rocky Ridge Utah say, “Just do it.” Quite honestly, how can a lifestyle that’s a veritable treasure-trove of headaches, run rampant?

Guys like lots of women around. It’s in their owner’s manual right after “Do not leave unit unattended near open beer container.” Plus, the average human male is recklessly proficient at siring offspring. Take one guy and, say, seven or eight wives — in no time you could form a Pee Wee bowling league.

Women, on the other hand, have more common sense. They know one man is typically more trouble than he’s worth.

Yet, people keep doing it. Here a just a few of the problems polygamy is riddled with: (more…)

Come on, Sandra! Don’t even think about forgiving that two-timing Jesse James creep. And REALLY! What a pathetic apology. Times like these, it’s better to stay mad – trust me.

We’re turning into jellyfish do-gooders — obsessed with forgiveness. It’s undermining the very reason to watch a Western movie — turning us into pardoning wimps. Come on! Remember the self-gratifying feeling of seeking revenge, wanting to see the looser who violated us squirm, crossing the street to avoid someone, or playing a prank involving plastic wrap and a toilet? A festering grudge can give meaning to an otherwise worthless day.

Our legal system will become a crybaby session if we don’t get a handle on this ‘forgiving everyone’ epidemic. You’d get courtroom dramas like:

Prosecutor: Mrs. Feeble, please point to the man who plowed into your SUV because he claims it looked like an alien spacecraft.

Mrs. Feeble (in tears): I can’t. I’ve forgiven him. He’s such a lonely man and, after they used the ‘jaws of life’ to free Harold, you can hardly tell the transmission is now in the passenger’s seat.

(more…)

In the second year of the reign of Obama, scratcher of Bo, there went out a decree from the United States Department of Commerce, U.S. Census Bureau, that a tally should be taken of the American empire (excluding parts of New Jersey) for it was written, “Bring forth demographic data to formulate government representation and funding, and update road atlases.” Verily, squandering untold millions, the Bureau beseeched the commoners of the land using snappy fliers and Super Bowl TV commercials saying, “Fear not the moribund economy! For great joy shall come from mailing in your census forms.”

And it came to pass, a multitude of hearty local citizens were blessed with temporary Bureau work. Alas, though many sought the steady income, the Bureau only shined favorably upon those with truly desirable traits including:

- Practicing the “safe sex”

- Buying joyously the durable consumer goods

- Coveting not thy neighbor’s ox or ass

- Honoring thy major steroid-free sports figures, and

- Passing the consecrated FBI security background check. (more…)