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Looking back on 2008, it might have been worse. For example, President Bush could have invaded Iceland. Of course, enough wacky Montana stuff was going on some residents wanted to move to Iceland anyway. Here’s a brief rerun:

January

Not willing to turn the other cheek, the Federal Communication Commission is fining a Montana television station along with 52 others nationwide for showing a “nude buttock” on the ABC police drama “NYPD Blue.”

Through new federal funding, Montana schools will now offer the Simplified Summer Food Program consisting of raw vegetables, raw grain, raw meat, raw milk, and raw Twinkies for dessert.

In a surprise move, state regulators’ spokesman “Lenny the Snake” gave telecommunications giant Qwest ‘til March 31 to quit gouging customers or, “somebody’s goin’ to be wearin’ concrete shoes.”

Montana political candidates officially gave notice to run for office after standing in line all night. One individual said, “I don’t remember who brought the rum, but I still owe her five bucks from the poker game.”

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“Listen Daddy, teacher says, every time a bell rings a company gets bailout money.” It’s a wonderful life, GM and Chrysler! Not many American businesses get this opportunity, and we’re not talking free bank checking. Short-timer President Bush said, “These are not ordinary circumstances, in the midst of a financial crisis and a recession, allowing the U.S. auto industry to collapse is not a responsible course of action.” It’s great he’s dealing with this – heaven knows it takes time away from labeling packing boxes.

The scheme consists of taxpayers loaning two auto manufacturing companies, currently losing money hand-over-fist, roughly $17.4 billion. They have until March 31, 2009 to meet the conditions of the loan or pay it back and face bankruptcy. Those terms include tough conditions like selling off corporate jets. You’d think executives could figure out cost-cutting strategies on their own but desperate people often overlook the obvious.

Does the President really think these guys will be profitable in three months? Maybe he isn’t aware that consumer spending is sinking faster than a gerbil in a vat of hot chocolate. Even with restructuring and a robust Winter Sale-a-thon chances are we’d be better off buying a fistful of lottery tickets.

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Bzzzzzzz, pffff, pffff, thump, thump. Is this working? Can you hear me in the back row? (Pause) All right, would every one please sit down?

I wanted to clear the air about some upsetting rumors. I know you’re distraught with worry that the recent economic downturn might sucker punch the professional sports you’ve come to love – here’s a tissue ma’am. Rest assured, league representatives won’t be begging congress for bailout bucks like the big three whining American automakers.

Sir, please sit down. (Pause) Yes, I appreciate that bailouts are really ticking you off. (Pause) Listen mister, taking your close off and running up the aisles screaming won’t stop the Feds from doling out the money like Halloween candy. If everyone would remain calm and stop throwing empty beer cans.

Ok, first off, pro athletes keep screwing up. There’s no finer example than New York Giants’ Plaxico Burress. You’d think a guy capable of catching bullet-speed passes would have the agility to catch an illegal handgun falling down his trousers without tripping the trigger.

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My wife told me something yesterday morning that almost made me snort strawberry milk out my nose. The Environmental Protection Agency is considering taxing cows’ emissions.

Staring at my bowl of oatmeal, I couldn’t help wonder, “Am I trapped in the logic-deprived land of Dinky, the Naked Barbarian?” Nope - just a country run by the U.S. government.

Back in 2003, environmental attorneys petitioned EPA to regulate carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions surreptitiously under the Clean Air Act. Lawyers need to work - it keeps them from joy-riding shopping carts in supermarkets. It seems Bush’s EPA reversed a finding by Clinton’s EPA that carbon dioxide was “bad juju.” The EPA swings with the political pendulum - they desperately want to feel needed.

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