lifestooserious.com

Okay, first answer this question:

Speed limits ___.

1. are the law
2. signify what is good and wholesome in our society
3. are merely a recommendation
4. What? First make these crazy voices in my head stop!

Raise your hand if you answered “c.” Exactly as I suspected!

The Havre 500 on 17^th street by Havre High School only lacks pit crews, irate spectators, and the squandering of thousands of gallons of fuel trying not to cream a competitor’s car going 180 mph. Fortunately, the speeds on 17^th are substantially slower. Let me stress substantially as who can actually drive 15 miles an hour? Face it; ridiculous 15 mph speed limit signs give true meaning to the word, “Don’t hold your breath.”

Maybe an engineering traffic study would yield revealing findings, carefully derived from empirical data collected by two guys sequestered in a van, eating stale bologna sandwiches. Results easily corroborating the axiom, “When forced to drive slow, people drive fast.”

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Big Sky Brewing, Free Cycle, and exCARgo get it! Winners of the auspicious “Transportation Best Practice” awards from Missoula in Motion, they realize you can’t squeeze high-octane gasoline from a gerbil – metaphorically speaking.

Big Sky Brewing offers employees biking and busing incentives, provides free bus passes, dry and safe bike parking, on-site bike maintenance tools, and free beer for all employees during business hours (Okay, so I made up that last part.).

Free Cycles teaches people how to use a bolt cutter and panty hose mask to … oops, I’m drifting again. Actually, this nonprofit organization helps equip people with used bikes and bike parts and offers the award winning bike maintenance and safety program, “BikeWell.”

According to Valerie Coulter of exCARgo, they deliver 600 pound clusters of radioactive fuel rods to nuclear reactor sites scattered around Missoula. “It’s a tough job but we wear gloves,” Valerie said just before she emailed me, threatening to let the air out of my bike tires should I continue making things up. The folks at exCARgo could use their bicycle to haul fuel rods but they choose tamer cargos including mail, recycling material, and those infamous sack lunches.

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Don’t forget, this Saturday is Valentine’s Day — a magical time of frolicking gaiety with that special someone. Needlessly, men seem to be saddled with ensuring that this happens. It’s bad enough that tracking down a lifetime mate can be as rewarding as watching the NCAA final four in an intensive care unit after a botched colonoscopy.

But most guys treat Valentine’s Day with deep emotional respect, selecting a perfect wax-laced box of chocolates that truly says, “I love you.” For those sensitive, single males, here are some Valentine’s tips:

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When you’re roaming around Missoula, say downtown North Higgins Avenue, do you wonder why your bladder feels like it’ll explode? You guessed it. WIRELESS. These mysterious electromagnetic waves are so prevalent downtown organ swelling isn’t the only hazard. Daily, folks succumb to cell phone induced traffic awareness oblivion. But all this connectedness exacts a price — frustrating some to consider the indoor use of plastic explosives.

For many Americans, grasping new technology nuances is more challenging than digesting saturated fats. Today’s digital-age is a roller coaster ride of confusion, understanding, dumbfounding, and vexation because the blasted device quite working.

According to a recent survey by the Pew Research organization, nearly half of adults polled that use the Internet or cell phones say they usually need help with new devices. Over two-thirds with computers had their machines quit working properly in the last year. In a related study, an amazing 95% of those living in the Bitterroot Valley thought high speed Internet was a Grimm’s Brothers’ fairytale featuring a character called Freckles the Slug.

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