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I think it’s time to speak frankly about same-sex marriages. Yes, it controversial – a word coming from the Latin phrase, “My suspenders are loose.” (What a screwball language.) Everyone seems to have a strong opinion about granting legal rights to homosexual couples that want to join in matrimony. Just ask any person wandering down the sidewalk:

Me: Could you spare a couple of bucks?
Anyone: Pervert!

The response may vary but it’ll always have an exclamation point at the end. People are just that worked up about it.

Some states have already legalized such unions. Massachusetts was the first and is part of the Atlantic Flyway providing nesting places for birds like the common loon – but what’s in a name?  Connecticut, not wanting to be outdone and also boasting a healthy population of loons, followed suit. The one state catching everyone by surprise was “Heartland America” Iowa where the state motto is, “Hurry plant the corn, we’re running low on cash.”

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Finally, good economic news — the U.S. trade deficit is collapsing at the fastest rate ever. This might be a surprise to some of you considering almost everything, including squeaky, blue elephant dog toys, is made overseas. Fortunately, by peppering an economist with the right questions, this complex trend can easily be explained:

Me: Hey, what’s this collapsing trade deficit thingy?

Economist: How did you get in my office?

Me: You know, blue elephants and stuff like that.

Economist: Is that a partially eaten jelly donut in your shirt pocket? I’m calling security.

Me: Do you guys validate parking tickets?

Such insight helps us understand how worldwide recession can quickly turn the tide of global economic imbalances – as in, other countries kicking our GNP butt. So, when talk around the water cooler centers on the trade deficit falling to 2.4 percent in the first quarter of this year, people take notice — just like when Tina from accounting had supposedly spent the night with Victor, the forklift operator. (more…)

President Obama recently finished 100 days in office, causing people to wonder, “Did I leave my coffee in the microwave?” The president’s certainly been busy with TV appearances and picking a canine that truly embraces the spirit of the current administration – something accustomed to barely treading water. But isn’t it rash to judge the president’s performance so soon? I’d been married 100 days and my wife (bless her restrained insightfulness) threatened to chuck me in a dumpster.

It takes time to get the hang of tough jobs. I’ve been a grandparent for way over 100 days and still wrestle with my basic responsibilities: 1. Let the grandchild do what he wants. 2. Teach him new things like how to say thought provoking phrases such as, “What’s up chicken butt?” 3. Hide anything that gets broken. 4. Return him to parents unharmed. I want him to succeed – face it, his generation is going to have to pay back all that stimulus money the feds are blowing. (more…)