lifestooserious.com

Sitting next to my one-year old grandson, Ben, I really wondered when enough was enough. His constant blood-curdling screams consistently reached a frequency rivaling the most celebrated opera soprano – delivered not out of anger but sheer delight as his dimples became craters on rosy, yogurt-covered cheeks. After a few mouthfuls of a concoction his mother assured me wasn’t radioactive, he’d shovel Cheerios into his mouth, attempting to chew them up while screeching. It was a neat trick – my dog, Hank, was impressed.

The last straw was when he decided the partially chewed mouthful had to go. The result, spewed forth across the table, made finishing my oatmeal impossible and was proof-positive Darwin’s natural selection theory is poppycock. Wanting to understand why he did it, I asked, (more…)

I really want to be a worldly person. You know, embrace other counties as if they regularly bathed and used deodorant. But it gets tougher every day. Like when the Egyptian government, who can’t read anything above a coloring book and collectively have the IQ of a raisin, order the extermination of 300,000 pigs, claiming they are the source for swine flue.

I have a deeply rooted affection for pigs — and not just because my sixth-grade teacher read snippets of Charlotte’s Web to us right before lunch – an opportune time when our snack-deprived bodies had the energy of a three-toed sloth. How can anyone forget that book? Cute little Wilbur the pig, saved from certain extermination by Charlotte, an intelligent spider who spun phrases in her web like, “Touch the pig, your family dies.” I know I can’t. But they say the injections will at least stop me from wetting the bed when the nightmares return. (more…)