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Today’s topic is of self-preservation significance — parasites. Don’t turn your back on them. They’ll stealthily crawl all over your body as you sleep, until you wake up digging at your ear with the digital alarm clock. Body openings readily harbor parasites. Take the bellybutton – it can house hundreds of parasites and probably already does, but don’t look now.

Good parasites include the leech family that, when placed liberally on the forehead and buttocks, can cure harmful diseases including athlete’s foot. Harmful parasites that invade a host are the ones to watch out for. I have pine beetles. No, not rooting around on me personally but on a couple of my coniferous trees – or cone producing trees which, according to the now deceased Euell Gibbons, are edible if sprinkled over a bowl of swamp mud.

I made the infestation discovery a week ago. I was minding my own business, counting how many of my beer bottles had twist -off tops when my wife, catching me in the act, wanted to know, “what are you doing and did you check the trees?” I replied, “Right away.”

Note: I’ve always found it best to use as few words as possible with the implied intention of doing something immediately. (more…)

Not many animals fit the description, “dumber than a fence post” better than a herd of cattle. But maybe I’m not giving them the credit they’re due. Remember last year’s report about cattle aligning their bodies toward magnetic poles? A team of German and Czech scientists made the incredible discovery after analyzing 8,510 domestic cattle captured on satellite images. And I thought my job stunk.

Now there’s a new study reporting power lines have an affect on cattle’s sense of magnetic orientation. Apparently, cows will align with north-south running power lines but get confused under power lines heading east-west — and honestly, who wouldn’t. Since large power lines emit electromagnetic waves that form magnetic poles, researchers concluded cows were affected by said power lines. It’s just like my high school biology teacher used to say, “Animals are fascinating creatures with built-in magne … Hey! You guys in the back row stop screwing around.”

This is good news for beef producers everywhere since savvy inventors are, this very moment, devising new electrical innovations to take advantage of these amazing discoveries. I’ve jotted down a few ideas below that’ll likely hit the market soon.

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Parents’ lives slip by – like the fine grains of sand from the bottom of a fish tank. Every morning we push our kids off to school then at night feverishly try to keep up with their activities. Then, when we least expect it, those stinking kids pull the rug out from under us and leave home.

When that happens, you’re traveling through another dimension — a journey through clean bathrooms with uncluttered countertops. That’s a free evening up ahead: your next stop: the Empty Nest Zone! I’ve journeyed there and it’s no picnic. Sure, raising the little rascals involves headaches, bills, and never-ending laundry but, when those kids vanish, a house gets creepy quiet.

Jackie Fallis, a Frenchtown mom, is screaming toward that dimension. With a son in college and a daughter heading into the senior year, it’s only a matter of time before she and her husband will stare at each other across an abandoned dinner table. (more…)