Archive for January, 2010

Wireless electricity — fact or fiction?

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

Tired of struggling through power cords behind the TV, trying to nab the cat that just barfed on the kitchen rug? Don’t worry! At the 2010 Consumer Electronics Show the Chinese manufacturer, Haier, showed off a 32-inch TV set running on nothing but wireless energy. Sure, people were sterilized walking by the “receiver.” They shouldn’t have been wearing black underwear.

This groundbreaking development comes as no surprise to those of us racking our brains over the mysteries of electricity. I remember one incident where my Dad catapulted from the top of an aluminum ladder after he turned on his old, entirely metal Skill saw. Such events shape my belief that electrons were left on earth by a superior alien race.  Slimy creatures now sitting in recliners on the Mother Ship, watching a kid have his brother hold the mower’s spark plug wire while he pulls the starter rope.

At the atomic level, electricity is the movement of electrons, which are teensy tiny specks invisible to the naked eye unless you’ve been heavily drinking. Electrons move inside a wire like gophers through a hole except gophers will occasionally poop while scientists now believe electrons never relieve themselves. Electricians call a battery, piece of wire, and load a circuit.  And this is the best joke they know!

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Do Someone Elses Taxes for Free! Are You Crazy?

Sunday, January 17th, 2010

I had a soggy bowl of Captain Crunch for breakfast this morning. What I was hoping my wife would crank out was my favorite: cinnamon rolls and ice cream (always start the day with a dairy serving). Unfortunately, she’s studying to be a VITA volunteer so my needs now rank with Hank the dog.

VITA stands for Volunteer Income Tax Assistance “What’s VITA all about?” you might ask. Wait and I’ll ask Gail. … Okay, what she said was, “Hey, I found wood chips all the way down into the living room this morning and I know they didn’t come off the dog. Haven’t I told you a thousand times to brush yourself off after working in the garage?” It’s the same number of times she’s told me to close the toilet lid — geeze, a couple weeks of VITA training and her sense of humor has really taken a nosedive.

Looking it up on the web, I found out that VITA volunteers provide tax return guidance and e-filing help to qualifying low- and moderate-income taxpayers. I have no doubt these services are a welcome relief because people who are fed up with trying to find section 4534b in form E9577d better get some help, by golly, before they hold all the people on the Greyhound bus hostage.

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Crafting the perfect Christmas newsletter

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

There is an epidemic engulfing us every holiday season. Yep, Christmas newsletters. During the medieval ages, right after Gutenberg invented the crayon, people sent handmade cards crafted on flattened sheets of barley bread. Each card contained a hand-scribed note such as, “May thy season be blessed with dung-free hay and maggot-free salt pork. Say “Hi” to the family.” Times were a lot more personal back then.

Today’s newsletters don’t ooze with creative juices – often containing mundane news trying one’s insomnia. To cure this plague, below is my hypoallergenic Christmas Newsletter Creation Guide! It’s free and chucked full of valuable tips for crafting a piece of Christmas memorabilia suitable to pawn off on unsuspecting friends and relatives.

Equipment: spell check, corkscrew (optional), photos ( tif, .bif, .gif, or crayon), comfortable underwear, word processor, clean toilet, legal stimulants, bean sprouts or potato chips (Caution: Do not mix!!)

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