Holiday safety first!
Safety is always a concern during the Holiday Season. For example, each year intoxicated carolers subject thousands of ordinary citizens to singing that rivals the harmonious sound of the large intestines trying pass what was once a double burger with fries. So, as a public service, I’ve painstakingly prepared the following safety IQ quiz to increase your awareness about common holiday accident scenarios. Do the best you can – I won’t laugh.
1. The kid next door has lit your newly purchased Christmas tree on fire. You should:
a. Duct tape him to the nearest freight train.
b. Cram him into a shipping box bound for Barrow, Alaska.
c. Insert a Christmas wreath down his underwear.
d. Grab a bag of marshmallows.
2. Chasing the neighbor’s dog that relieved himself on your inflated Santa, you notice your 200’ extension cord is smoking. You should:
a. Buy a paintball gun (for the dog, silly).
b. Slowly lower the affected section in a bucket of water.
c. Pack it in snow.
d. Douse it with a mixture of eggnog and rum (light on the eggnog).
3. You look outside and see Santa’s sleigh and reindeer are caught in some of your outside holiday lighting. You should:
a. Find that unfilled deer tag.
b. Dial 1-800-HOMELANDSECURITY.
c. Carefully set down what’s left of the 32oz Tom & Jerry mix Uncle Ed whipped up for you and go to bed.
d. Remove your clothing and dance in the street.
4. The nephew who failed his exorcism is preparing to cut the Christmas tree lights with a stolen electric carving knife. You should:
a. Grab the camcorder.
b. Shield yourself with the nearest card table.
c. Boisterously tell the joke about two priests and a hairdresser who enter a bar.
d. Say you hear his mama calling. If no response, pelt him with cheese ball clumps.
5. Cooked turkey can remain at room temperature until:
a. An economic upturn or “the end of days”, which ever comes first.
b. The eggnog starts to curdle.
c. Aunt Edna finishes her pumpkin pie.
d. The dog’s no longer interested in it.
6. If you plan on using festive, holiday candles to decorate your Christmas tree:
a. Securely fastened them to the tree with twist-ties.
b. Place all pets and paper currency outside first.
c. Take a gift-wrapped fruitcake to your nearest fire department.
d. Provide sparklers for children under the age of five.
7. If you have friends over for a holiday party, you should:
a. Remove all pharmaceuticals from the medicine chest.
b. Remove the labels from all pharmaceuticals in the medicine chest.
c. Mislabel all pharmaceuticals in the medicine chest.
d. Hide the stash of medical marijuana crammed in the drawer below the medicine chest.
8. To ensure guests don’t leave your party inebriated, you should:
a. Construct a police car from cereal boxes and pop cans — placing it conspicuously down the street.
b. Watch their expressions as they walk over hot coals.
c. Use the traditional “breathe into the vacuum” sobriety test.
d. Fling their car keys into a live alligator’s mouth.
9. If a dinner guest chokes on what appeared to be a very large giblet, you should:
a. Tickle the back of his throat with the curly hair you found in the fruit salad.
b. Lay him face down on the cleared table. Smack his back firmly with a turkey ribcage or lug wrench.
c. Have him drink eggnog with afore mentioned curly hair.
d. Boisterously tell him the two priests & hairdresser joke.
Here are the answers: 1. A virgin. 2. Very large. 3. Make me. 4. Only in France. 5. You and what army? 6. Clean it first. 7. a. 8. Flamethrower set to low. 9. How curly?
Don’t be embarrassed if you missed answers – the questions were tricky. The point I’m making is that holiday safety shouldn’t be taken for granted and, regardless of how good it tastes, don’t eat anything containing a curly hair. Have a joyous and accident-free Holiday Season!