Crafting the perfect Christmas newsletter
There is an epidemic engulfing us every holiday season. Yep, Christmas newsletters. During the medieval ages, right after Gutenberg invented the crayon, people sent handmade cards crafted on flattened sheets of barley bread. Each card contained a hand-scribed note such as, “May thy season be blessed with dung-free hay and maggot-free salt pork. Say “Hi” to the family.” Times were a lot more personal back then.
Today’s newsletters don’t ooze with creative juices – often containing mundane news trying one’s insomnia. To cure this plague, below is my hypoallergenic Christmas Newsletter Creation Guide! It’s free and chucked full of valuable tips for crafting a piece of Christmas memorabilia suitable to pawn off on unsuspecting friends and relatives.
Equipment: spell check, corkscrew (optional), photos ( tif, .bif, .gif, or crayon), comfortable underwear, word processor, clean toilet, legal stimulants, bean sprouts or potato chips (Caution: Do not mix!!)
1. Get motivated: This is a major stumbling block – often leading to hot flashes, cold sweats, constipation, or all the above. Relax! Sip a chilled pilsner or cognac shake, stretching often even if you feel faint or forget your name.
2. Select a theme: Avoid obvious themes like “Our vacation to Guam.” Pick uncommon, yet highly suggestive topics such as, “Our visit with aliens from the planet Zarlon.” (Tip: See National Enquirer for ideas.)
3. Brainstorm events: Trying to capture a whole year in a measly page or two is tough. Steer clear of the mundane and jokes involving two priests and a nun. (Tip: Remember, no idea is wrong but some are incredibly boring.)
Good: Details about neighborhood scandal
Bad: No-bake cookie recipes
Good: Anecdotes about rehab visits
Bad: Vehicle or ATV repair advice
4. Write content: Be concise, yet informative. Humble yet creative. Insightful yet discrete. Faithful yet mildly inebriated. (Tip: Always write “in person.” First, third, or fifth – it makes no difference. This adds authenticity much the same way salsa does to tacos.)
Word Selection is important! Don’t use – Cadaver, taxes, cauliflower, regurgitate, snot, and country music (Actually two words but like global warming, will really turn people off.). Use –Love, peace, hope, pizza, compassion, marsupial, cheer, and going green (Actually two words but green stuff is all the rage.)
Warning! Be sensitive to changing moral climates: e.g. Just because Tiger Woods had an affair with multiple women doesn’t mean you need to mention cousin Fred’s arrest with … I guess you’d call her a hooker.
5. Choose graphics: Always pick those that stimulate. Anything with pajamas, lingerie, or dogs getting bathed are big hits. (Tip: Avoid photos of washing machines – regardless of significance.) Include catchy captions such as “My locker combination” or “The meaning of life.” Note: Stick figure drawings also work if you use crayons to add details such as hair and molten lava.
6. Layout material: Choose landscape, portrait, or scotch tape. Arrange material with an eye for order and an inclination for chaos. (Personal note: The Feds do this all the time and it seems to work – look at the money they get to waste.) Here are popular publishing industry rules:
* Use as many fonts as possible and annoying colors – adding confusion
* Don’t read after printing – this just leads to heartbreak city
* Let ink dry before folding – even the night cleaning crew knows this
* Stretch the truth (aka lie) – it sells more copy
* Trust your instincts: If you think what you’ve written is boring – it is
* Always copyright work – even if you’ve stolen it from someone else
* If you must erase, do it neatly!
Handy Tip: Always leave room for a special, personal note or long, overdue threat – depending on the relative.
7. Get busy – Christmas 2010 is just around the bend. Have a great New Year and thanks for reading.