Do Someone Elses Taxes for Free! Are You Crazy?
I had a soggy bowl of Captain Crunch for breakfast this morning. What I was hoping my wife would crank out was my favorite: cinnamon rolls and ice cream (always start the day with a dairy serving). Unfortunately, she’s studying to be a VITA volunteer so my needs now rank with Hank the dog.
VITA stands for Volunteer Income Tax Assistance “What’s VITA all about?” you might ask. Wait and I’ll ask Gail. … Okay, what she said was, “Hey, I found wood chips all the way down into the living room this morning and I know they didn’t come off the dog. Haven’t I told you a thousand times to brush yourself off after working in the garage?” It’s the same number of times she’s told me to close the toilet lid — geeze, a couple weeks of VITA training and her sense of humor has really taken a nosedive.
Looking it up on the web, I found out that VITA volunteers provide tax return guidance and e-filing help to qualifying low- and moderate-income taxpayers. I have no doubt these services are a welcome relief because people who are fed up with trying to find section 4534b in form E9577d better get some help, by golly, before they hold all the people on the Greyhound bus hostage.
But seriously, can you imagine voluntarily sitting at a table, sipping a warm diet pop, rifling through someone’s Walmart bag of last year’s receipts trying to determine if they qualify for the “Feral Gerbil Homestead Invasion Tax Deduction?” VITA should really stand for, “People who willingly have dental work done without anesthesia.” Yet, my wife and thousands of other VITA renegades have been spending countless hours, in the waking dawn of 2010, studying the ominous 2009 tax laws of the United States of America.
Over the years, America’s politicians have craftily slipped by tax laws so robust, so equitable, so grandiose, so unimaginably mind-boggling that no other democratic country in the world could create a system more screwed up. Our tax fiasco started in 1913 when the ratified 16th Amendment stated (I’ll paraphrase): “The Congress shall have power to collect taxes on any carbon-based life form without remorse or regret and minus the common sense God gave a package of Hostess Twinkies.”
Here’s a classic example of the kind of guidance our brave VITA folks will have to dispense. Showing up for his appointment with a fresh tan and a briefcase full of bank statements and receipts (mostly for imported whiskey) is Sammy “the loose trigger” Stanouski. Here’s what he’s willing to tell you:
· He claims to work part time at a Roscoe’s Convenience Store and Casino.
· Can’t remember his social security number.
· Was claimed as a dependent by Uncle Louis but under a different name.
· Helped the economic recovery by buying some freshly painted “new” cars and a house in New Jersey (currently occupied by some very nice ladies).
· If she’s still breathing, he makes a large alimony payment to his fourth wife.
· He didn’t file in 2008.
While talking on his cell phone to someone with a heavy Swiss accent, he “wants to know” if he qualifies for the Earned Income Tax Credit.
I can only imagine the emotional turmoil afflicting VITA folks trying to makes sense out of idiotic tax laws and clients who would challenge Mother Teresa’s patience. My utmost respect goes out to VITA volunteers who will yank the knife of tax knowledge from the outlet of confusion and help people cut through the red tape that is the United States of America tax system. May your efforts not go unnoticed, your personal satisfaction grow beyond measure, and you find time to dump the soggy bowl of cold cereal and make a decent hot cinnamon roll breakfast.
Oh, and a big “Thank You” to Montana Credit Unions for Community Development for sponsoring the Montana VITA program.