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In the second year of the reign of Obama, scratcher of Bo, there went out a decree from the United States Department of Commerce, U.S. Census Bureau, that a tally should be taken of the American empire (excluding parts of New Jersey) for it was written, “Bring forth demographic data to formulate government representation and funding, and update road atlases.” Verily, squandering untold millions, the Bureau beseeched the commoners of the land using snappy fliers and Super Bowl TV commercials saying, “Fear not the moribund economy! For great joy shall come from mailing in your census forms.”

And it came to pass, a multitude of hearty local citizens were blessed with temporary Bureau work. Alas, though many sought the steady income, the Bureau only shined favorably upon those with truly desirable traits including:

- Practicing the “safe sex”

- Buying joyously the durable consumer goods

- Coveting not thy neighbor’s ox or ass

- Honoring thy major steroid-free sports figures, and

- Passing the consecrated FBI security background check.

Woe fell upon the sinners whose personal identifiers matched criminals in the sacred FBI database. While they repented, put on sackcloth and anointed their heads with ashes, the Bureau hired them not, proclaiming, “Be ye afraid! Only worthy neophytes worketh for the Bureau.”

Behold, upon the first day of training, those chosen disciples of clean background laid prostate and submitted to fingerprinting. And the Bureau prophets spake unto them saying, “Thee shall find happiness enjoying flexible hours, earning goodly weekly pay, touching doorknobs harboring unknown staph microbes, and being servants of the holy demographic data quest.”

A mighty spirit fell upon the disciples as they descended like locus to speak the words of the well-endowed prophets unto the masses. For they faithfully approached RAP music gyrating houses unaware drooling, VW Microbus-sized canines were waiting to smite any man or woman who knocketh upon the door.

The multitudes cried out that these loyal children of the Bureau be rewarded tenfold, safely delivered out of the yards resembling Woodstock’s final days. May the IRS look favorably upon their children’s children, asking not, “Why hast thou filed this deduction?”

And census forms scattered like seeds across the nation posing agonizing questions like, “How many people were living, partying, or smoking the medical marijuana at this location on the Day of Atonement?” and “Is this a house, apartment, mobile home, grain elevator, or remodeled refrigerator carton?” Yet doubters were many, asking with ‘lotto-wining’ zeal across the kitchen tables, “The Feds are wasting my tax money on this damn thing?”

But the chosen ones rebuked them saying, “Oh ye of “potty” mouth and little trust! Believe in the federal government with the faith of a child. That thou might revere the omnipotent bureaucracy, remember April 15, when the pagan sacrificial ritual of monetary good works comes due, according to thy income level and cleverly filed withholdings.”

Behold, the Bureau’s faithful efforts shall bring forth a count of everyone except the fallen, anti-government radicals who pointed loaded, high caliber rifles out their windows and commanded, “Don’t you come any closer you #%*&&# revenuer!” Verily, these demonic infidels will be smote with seven plagues including plugged toilets that overfloweth.

And in the final moments of the 2010 Census, a prayer was lifted unto the heavens, “May the newly found demographics give light to the federal government, who has sat in darkness; congregating in dim offices, wondering at all they’ve heard.” For unto them is gathered data, that their steps be guided toward equable government representation. Yea, tho they walk in the valley of wasteful government spending, may they fear no lobbyist; their text messaging will comfort them till Fannie Mae runneth in the black or the End-of-Days, whichever cometh first.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 2nd, 2010 at 3:14 pm and is filed under Life on the crazy side. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.