Fast food diet — bring it on!
In the words of the immortal Paris Hilton, “I’m available and I’m cheap.” If all it takes to reach instant fame (as in one of those cardboard cutouts where the star strikes a pose resembling someone who’s had a frontal lobotomy) is for me to eat items from a fast food menu, sign me up. I’ll eat almost anything.
Now, the company that brought us the taco-craving Chihuahua and double-decker tacos claims it can help drop those extra pounds. They’re employing an ad campaign paralleling Subway’s Jared Fogle who lost tons of weight eating rabbit food laced sandwiches.
Enter Christine Dougherty, a 27-year old Home Economics dropout, who ate items from Taco Bell’s lower-calorie “Fresco menu” five to eight times a week, dropping 54 pounds. Dougherty (Who, by the way, is a lot hotter than Subway Jared) has been showing off her new body in TV commercials aimed primarily, from a marketing standpoint, for people with the IQ of a cooked radish.
In the commercial, Dougherty flaunts her svelte body in a form-fitting dress and later a purple bikini while showing photos of a women from the planet “If You’re Not Going to Eat the Other Half of that Smoked Turkey May I Eat It.” She says, “I lost about two pounds a month over a period of two years by reducing my daily calories and replacing my typical fast-food lunch or dinner with something from the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet.” Her husband ordered anything he wanted. He weighs slightly less than a pregnant water buffalo.
Taco Bell isn’t promising anything and repeatedly uses “These results aren’t typical,” and these are “not low calorie foods.” Such heartwarming disclaimers of honesty lead to the question, “How many partially clad women does it take to sell a taco?”
Dougherty devours the grilled steak and ranchero chicken soft tacos — avoiding the half-pound burritos and any food in the trash. The Fresco fare is cooked the same as regular menu items but stripped of shredded cheese and sauce.
Obviously, to loose weight you have to minimize your caloric intake. Dougherty was around 1200 calories a day. So why not menu items that’ll really plummet your caloric intake. Let’s see an ad campaign market these menu options:
Boiled Chicken Nugget. Try our hand-formed, batter-less chicken nuggets. Scalded in water until it reaches a pale flesh tone, we then serve it up with your choice of salt, pepper, or frozen lettuce.
Big and Nasty Poached Bugger. A juicy ¼ pound patty is gently lowered into uniquely seasoned boiling brine and cooked to perfection. We place it between two stale multigrain crackers with a snip of parsley to bring out the true “dead cow” flavor.
Aphid Infested Sesame Salad. Who says insects aren’t delicious. Our huge organic iceberg lettuce salad is loaded with high-protein aphids crawling with the energy it takes to change a boring salad into a tantalizing dining experience. Double your money back if you can eat the whole salad. Don’t forget, a special prize if you find a ladybug.
Day-End Scrap Wrap. Yep, each day we collect our leftovers, painstakingly turning them into a seasoned wrap you’ll never forget. We pride ourselves in finding valuable calories almost anywhere – grated cheese under the deep fryers, fish fillets near the dumpster, or onion rings in the catsup dispenser (How do they get there?). We know your day’s caloric intake will plummet especially if you find a hair.
Bon-appetite! With these kinds of menu items we’ll all look like a praying mantis in no time. Hey! I found a ladybug!