2009 Federal Tax Changes You Should Know!
Welcome back! It’s the highly acclaimed Department of the Treasury – Internal Revenue Service 2009 tax season. A time of joy, lawn fertilizing, and mini pigs-in-a-blanket made with those cute “smokies” wieners wrapped with biscuit dough. My youngest son took a basketful to a potluck once except he inserted baby carrots in some to appease the vegetarians. Silly kid.
This tax season is no different from years gone by, primarily because of rampant mathphobia. Have you every wondered why people are scared of math? Neither have I. All I know is the part of my brain that does math is broken – possibly from a head trauma when I was four caused by my sister pelting me with a bald doll (I’d yanked out all the hair – a condition eventually tied to my lower intestine).
There were also psychic-altering occasions where my sadistic high school Algebra teacher sent me to the chalkboard. His keen observational skills knew: 1. I hadn’t done my homework. 2. I was daydreaming out the window. 3. There was a high probability I would eventually soil myself if forced, in front of the entire class, to work problems like, “Solve for z: 4y(z*2)(((xyz)B) + *3) = Uganda’s population.”
So, it’s a sweet deal my wife, “the human slide rule,” has done our taxes for over 30 years. The last tax form I filled out was, mathematically speaking, about as tough as calculating the IQ of cooked cabbage. Plus, with her as an “advanced certified” Volunteer Income Tax Assistance (VITA) crony, I am expecting a very unconventional tax refund – if you know what I mean.
I asked her what’s new for 2009. Here are her top picks:
*Making work pay credit. If you have earned income from work, you may be able to take this credit. If however, your income came from drinking beer, eating pizza, and watching non-stop NCAA basketball, give me a call. We need to talk.
*Cash for clunkers. A $3,500 or $4,500 voucher or payment under the Federal “cash for clunkers” program is not taxable. For clunker-driving taxpayers who instead used their money to buy food, clothing, and shelter — tough luck. Life isn’t fair. Try not to be bitter.
*Unemployment compensation. You do not have to pay tax on unemployment compensation unless over $2,400. Don’t forget to include revenue from the sale of your body at local dingy bars, even though business, embarrassingly enough, wasn’t very brisk.
*American opportunity credit. The maximum Hope education credit has increased to $2,500. The increased credit is now called the American opportunity credit after Sarah Opportunity from the South Bronx IRS office who recently had breast implants and, may we say, they’re quite an improvement. Part of the credit is now refundable for most taxpayers and by “most” we mean it probably doesn’t include you.
*Standard deduction increased for certain filers – again, the odds are it ain’t you. To figure your standard deduction coat Schedule L with a vinegar or cat urine (hold still kitty) solution and hold it up to a light.
Other tantalizing tax offers include a credit of up to $8,000 for homes purchased in 2009 and additional child tax credit increased for some people (kill a virgin chicken and cast it against you neighbor’s front door to see if you qualify). Unfortunately, the Recovery Rebate credit has expired (No funeral services, but donations to the “Watch the budget deficit grow” memorial fund can be made at any IRS office.).
I won’t go into why the changes occurred, because, quite frankly, I don’t have a clue but maybe it relates to the IRS Mission of, “Providing America’s taxpayers top quality service so they don’t end up in a foul-smelling penitentiary eating mini pigs-in-a-blanket.” I like mine with barbeque sauce.