Foregiveness — who need is?
Come on, Sandra! Don’t even think about forgiving that two-timing Jesse James creep. And REALLY! What a pathetic apology. Times like these, it’s better to stay mad – trust me.
We’re turning into jellyfish do-gooders — obsessed with forgiveness. It’s undermining the very reason to watch a Western movie — turning us into pardoning wimps. Come on! Remember the self-gratifying feeling of seeking revenge, wanting to see the looser who violated us squirm, crossing the street to avoid someone, or playing a prank involving plastic wrap and a toilet? A festering grudge can give meaning to an otherwise worthless day.
Our legal system will become a crybaby session if we don’t get a handle on this ‘forgiving everyone’ epidemic. You’d get courtroom dramas like:
Prosecutor: Mrs. Feeble, please point to the man who plowed into your SUV because he claims it looked like an alien spacecraft.
Mrs. Feeble (in tears): I can’t. I’ve forgiven him. He’s such a lonely man and, after they used the ‘jaws of life’ to free Harold, you can hardly tell the transmission is now in the passenger’s seat.
Look at the tons of books, nonprofit foundations, grocery baggers, and religious groups that tout the amazing cleansing power of forgiveness – releasing us from ‘extra baggage’ that supposedly robs us of life’s energy. Obviously, they never met the slimy used car salesman who sold me my first pickup – that subsequently burned a quart of oil every 100 miles. “It’s just been washed and includes a free tree-shaped air freshener” was the cunning sales pitch he pulled on me.
Then, there are medical studies citing forgiveness as a preventative measure for everything from heart attacks to athlete’s foot. In on study, researchers put a bunch of human-like rats in a movie theater. Then they got one rat to pass gas by attaching electrodes to highly sensitive body parts.
Of course, when exposed to the rank fumes emanating from the “control” rat’s anus (Norwegian for ‘rear end’), the ‘rat cohort’ (scientific for ‘group of rats’) got really ticked off. Blood pressures went off the charts with some rats seeking refuge beneath the concession counter. Oh, those rats really wanted revenge
Then, the scientists had the flatulating rat apologize (same electrodes – higher voltage) and, in what stunned the scientific community, the grudge-harboring rats forgave him as the all engaged in festive chest bumps (which is pretty tough for a rat). Blood pressures dropped, cute little paws stopped itching, and everyone left the theater in a convivial mood.
If those studies taught us anything, it’s, “Don’t let scientists attach electrodes to sensitive parts of your body in a movie theater.” Quite frankly, there’s no way to establish a correlation between test rats and humans – more specifically, the low-life who stole my credit card number, then charged $2,300 at Bath and Beyond.
Even Hollywood knows the beauty of a good grudge. A classic example is in “It’s a Wonderful Life” (staring Jimmy Stewart) when, after ripping off the Savings and Loan, Mr. Potter says, “And Happy New Year — in jail! Go on home – they’re waiting for you!” Didn’t that just gall you? You wanted the jolly Bedford Falls citizens to drag ol’ Potter out onto the snowy boulevard and beat the tar out of him. Admit it! If they made the sequel “Potter Gets Pummeled” you’d be the first in line – right behind me.
If this country morphs into sniveling humanitarians, we’ll be sitting ducks, willingly forgiving our Uncle Selway for making us sit through a bogus presentation about how to double our income selling eco-friendly products. I mean it! So, the first thing I’m going to do is make a list of the cretins who’ve ticked me off. Right after I convince my wife to remove these electrodes.