Itokawa Asteroid - a pile of virgin rubble
This just in, “The Japanese may have the answer to the Solar System’s origin.” Then again, they may have blown $200 million. But before I get into the core of this timely issue, let’s check your understanding of astronomy:
T F 1. The Feds current tax dollar squandering is an example of a ‘black hole’.
T F 2. The Milky Way is owned by Iowan dairy farmers.
T F 3. Libras will discover a ‘special’ someone today by facing the North Star and kissing a red-haired troll.
There, that wasn’t so bad. You have a good mind, just quit watching the dang TV.
It’s too early to tell if the Hayabusa spacecraft container recently retrieved in the Australian Outback was able to capture a sample from the Itokawa (pronounced: ?–took–?–w?) asteroid. But the prospects have scientists practically leaking through their Depends.
What was supposed to happen was the Hayabusa would approach the asteroid and flash a universal friendship display consisting of a Dick Cheney in drag hologram. If all went well, the ship would land and shoot a bullet into the unsuspecting asteroid hoping to lodge dust or maybe lady bugs into a container through a long tube.
An analysis of telemetry (meaning: “don’t play with BB guns”) data suggests this mechanism may have been broken at a staff party. Yet, giddy scientists say the impact of the tube’s landing would have forced material into the collection chamber in much the same way particles are lodged in the nostrils of a two-year-old who just did a face plant in a chocolate cake.
Dr Michael Zolensky from NASA said, “It may have worked, it may not; we just don’t know. But even if it didn’t work, the spacecraft landed for half an hour on the surface, and during that landing - it was a hard landing - it should have collected a sample even without firing anything. So, we’re pretty confident there’ll be something inside the spacecraft.” And you were worrying NASA wasn’t spending it’s $18.7 billon 2010 budget carefully.
It could be weeks before scientists can establish a presence of any dust in the capsule. To which I say, “Get a clue!” My wife could tell you in seconds if any dust was tracked in.
If dust is confirmed, it would be the first time rock fragments have been stolen off an asteroid and only the fourth extraterrestrial sample brought to our planet. The Roswell aliens forgot to wipe their sneakers, ET’s ship was dirtier than a Blue Tic Hound hunting possum in a Mississippi swamp, and, finally, there were those filthy U.S. moon rocks that created a pet rock craze where cretins one sock shy of a pair actually bought a rock in a box.
The Japanese space agency (motto: “First sushi in space”) said the project’s aim was to better understand the solar system and, hopefully, why North Koreans are such pinheads. Earth rocks can’t explain the universe because they’re just cheap, stupid rocks. Go outside and pick some up. See what I mean? On the other hand, asteroid rocks cost more than you’ll make in a lifetime and contain virgin materials. Virgin rocks apparently get scientist pretty excited. Perverts!
But the Japanese have really botched this one up. After carefully studying photos of Itokawa, even a novice like myself can clearly see it’s actually a Russet potato. So, our silly Asian friends sent a spacecraft zillions of miles to shoot an un-scrubbed spud. I bet they’re going to feel pretty foolish. Maybe, in a show of international goodwill, we could give them a couple of moon rocks. They’re still virgins unless those twisted NASA scientists have gotten a hold of them.